When Spousal Abuse Happens in the Church

If you have read my testimony, you already know that one reason I left the Jehovah’s Witnesses (AKA “The Watchtower”) was because they turned a blind eye to the fact that my former husband was physically abusing me. I was told that I needed to be “in subjection” to my husband and to stop nagging him so much. I was the victim of his violence, but the elders were blaming me for not being a good and submissive wife. There was a point in our marriage when he left me for a time, but I was told that I had to wait for him to come back and I was not allowed to initiate divorce. It didn’t matter to them how much he was physically violent against me. I lived in fear of him, constantly. When I would hear him come home after work, I would cringe because I knew what that mean most of the time. There was a lot of yelling and screaming at me. Terrible accusations and craziness mentally brought me down. If I said something he didn’t like, he would just slap me across the face. I felt so stuck and a prisoner of this horrible mistake of a marriage I had.

Well that was long ago now, but even though it has been 42 years since I was finally able to escape from him, the scars of what he did remain. I feel like I need to be an advocate and a voice for other women who suffer at the hands of abusive men. I also speak out against ANYONE who ever advises a woman stay with an abusive husband.

When I hear about religious leaders in any church who advise women to stay with an abusive spouse and “just pray” or “be more submissive,” it really upsets me. (What if the religious leaders in the church were experiencing violence from someone in their family? How would they react?) I do not think that any woman should be advised to stay with someone who assaults her. She should be advised to leave that violent situation. Christians should help her to move out and find her a place to live away from the violent husband. She needs to be protected along with any children she may have. She should press charges against her husband to make sure he is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

I believe that marriage should be a lifelong commitment. But there are certain things that break that commitment and one of them is physical abuse. No one, man or woman should be expected to put up with physical abuse just as much as they should not have to put up with a spouse’s sexual immorality. I believe that most Christians have misunderstood what Jesus when he said: “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matt. 5:32 NIV) In those days, women weren’t allowed to divorce their husbands, it was the men who were doing all the divorcing. They were divorcing for “any reason.” That’s why the Pharisees asked Jesus this: “Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

Do you see what they were trying to do? They were looking for their loophole so that they could divorce their wives for “any reason” including not making a dinner up to their liking! They were divorcing their wives and throwing them out to the streets. Most times these women ended up destitute because there was not much in the way of making a living for themselves in this 1^st century patriarchal society. Jesus KNEW what they were up to and what was in their hearts. So Jesus declared that these divorces were invalid since they were divorcing for “any reason” that they desired. However I can’t imagine that Jesus would have ever told a woman she could not leave her violent and abusive husband to divorce him. I am not even sure that divorce was an option for women at that time or if they were allowed to seek a divorce at all, since women were completely dependent on men in this society.

Divorcing a husband on the grounds of physical violence is not just “any reason.” It is not a divorce based on “no fault” or mere “irreconcilable differences.” Divorce because of physical violence was once listed as valid grounds by most states before every state changed their divorce laws to “no fault.” In this case, a divorce should protect the wife from having to live with such violence, assault, and severe injuries.

Marriage is important, but I have been experiencing many in the Christian church making an idol out of marriage. Yes, a lot of marriages are worth saving, I totally agree, especially when there are children involved. But some are not, especially when there is violence involved. I think the Christian Church needs to take a hard look at some of the hard lines they have taken with marriage and divorce. Statements that have been made by various Evangelical leaders regarding how a wife should be submissive to an abusive husband need to be examined and corrected. Church leaders need to apologize for statements they have made that keep women prisoners in abusive marriages. Can you imagine Jesus Christ advising a wife to continue to live with a man who beats and assaults her?

A man who beats and assaults his wife is not loving her as Paul said that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. (Eph. 5:25-33) He is not behaving as a member of the Christian Church. A man who exerts physical violence against his wife has effectively abandoned her and has abandoned his faith. The wife should call the police, press charges against him, so that he is incarcerated. He should also be excommunicated from the church as well until he truly repents (not just because he was caught and prosecuted.)

So is this what would be called a “scriptural divorce” if the wronged spouse seeks a divorce against the violent spouse? In my opinion yes, because the guilty spouse has abandoned the marriage, causing a breach of contract. He has failed to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He did not love her as his own body. He treated his marriage and wife like garbage. The wronged spouse should be viewed as abandoneded by the previous spouse and free to divorce and seek remarriage at a later time.